Women Get Comfortable With Your Sexuality For A Better Relationship With Your Man
Women. Get Comfortable With Your Sexuality
I have come to understand how conflicted women are about their sexuality. I have surfed numerous blogs and made comments on them about women wearing lacy frilly lingerie for their men. I unleashed a firestorm. As a marriage, relationship and sexual coach, I work with couples to resolve their relationship and sexual problems.
Almost all women grew up with the fantasy about “living happily ever after”. Far too often this has been a self centered fantasy with the woman giving little consideration as what that looks like and means for the man in her life. I suggested that women ask their husbands a question and promising not to get mad at his answer, would he like to see her in lacy frilly lingerie when she comes to bed at night? The answer is obvious for the vast majority of men. I point out that why would you want to deny a pleasure that the husband wants and desires if you love him? It costs you nothing and it is another way to honor him and show him respect. It might not be the woman’s thing but it is the husband’s. If you had a cat, would you feed it hay and say that it was love. You would feed the cat what it needs and that is meat.
I challenge women everywhere to ask your husband the following question; In what way can I be a better wife to you sexually”. You have to promise him that you won’t get angry with his answer and then listen to the answer without getting defensive. Men are not forthcoming with their feelings because most wives don’t make it safe for him to express those feelings. This hurts your relationship and the communication between you and your hubby.
Far too many women are inhibited by their parents and the church indoctrinating them about sex when they were girls. They said that it was bad, dirty and wrong and that “good girls don’t do it” Sadly, by the time a woman is ready to embrace her sexuality, she is so negatively conditioned about sex that sadly it affects her for the rest of her life. Sex is a gift from God. You don’t ever hear that preached from a pulpit or from a sunday school lesson. They don’t tell you about the biblical quotes encouraging us to have a great sex life.
Women can’t relax and enjoy and be comfortable with their sexuality. They also tend to feel self conscious about their body image. Men don’t care, they like to see their women in frilly feminine things. Not only did I get hate speech vomited all over me over this issue, sadly women tend to do the same thing to their husbands. Men learn to shut up and keep their feelings to themselves because it is not safe to open up to the wife if she perceives anything remotely critical of her. She verbally berates the husband. Women are telling men that we are bad, perverted and wrong for desiring lacy frilly lingerie. It is a point of view and should not be disrespected. Women can’t take any critique but feel no compunction over vomiting critique over men and their husbands.
In Europe, people are much more comfortable with sexuality. We have been raised in a highly puritanical society. The discussion of sex or lingerie makes most people highly uncomfortable. Why, we are all adults. Sex is one of the big 3 that couples fight about. We have a 50% divorce rate in this country. Kids are the victims and are traumatized and damaged as the result of that divorce.
We are also in a society that is reeking of misandry (reverse sexism by women against men). I speak for the vast majority of men who can’t speak up for fear of being bombarded by women in general and their wives in particular.
I teach couples to resolve conflicts peacefully without verbally bashing each other and without the name calling. I stress respect not the use of verbal clubs as equalizers.
If you would like help with your relationship or sexuality, I am here to help. I offer a free half hour consultation and a money back guarantee.
Posted on May 19, 2011, in Lifestyle, Philosophy, Uncategorized and tagged better sex means better relationships. Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.
great points John…
it so happens I am from Europe (residing permanently in USA for the past almost 30 years…)
A subject of sexuality in States was and is very contradicting issue…
I will always remember the shocker when friedns invited us for a beach picnic and went into a mad rush to the house to bring my daughter a one-piece bathing suit, as I’ve had let her run on a private beach in her undies (she was 5 years old at the time)…
…let me get that straight…so it is ok for women to show most of their “D” breasts in a bikini but not acceptable for a 5 year old to run in undies??!!!
…our society is ohhh so proper, church going boys and girls, but we can not sell anything without a heavy sexuality insinuations…
it is too bad that the sexual education teaches about the use of condoms, pills, and does not teach how to converse, discuss, and treat a lover…
..but maybe the issue is much deeper…
maybe it goes far back and make many relationships more like a game…
people do not talk about sexuality, desires, fantasies because …lack of comfort zone associated with TRUST…?
Well Joanna
Then you obviosly know what I am talking about. It might interest you to know that in the States we have the highest divorce rate on the planet. We are really screwed up as a society. I miss living in Germany.
What country are you from?
John Wilder
John and Joanna – I found both your posts interesting. We should be more open with our loved ones, willing to wear what they like, talk about sex…
But it baffles me that you call American society full of misandry. It seems to me that misogyny (in the form of patriarchy and other complementarian manifestations) are rife in the American church, and the worst of it is quickly gaining a foothold under American Christians.
(My most recent blog post on my blog actually is about misogyny and man-centredness posing as religion.) Why do you see misandry, and I misogyny?Are we looking at different things?
Back on the main topic: Do men really like frilly black lingerie even when their wife is not so attractive any more? (I don’t have a husband to ask)
About the main topic: I agree, with you both, John and Joanna.
About something else: I see, John, that you often mention the problem of misandry in America. I notice the opposite: Misogyny is gaining a foothold in the American church, and particularly among Christian home schoolers, in the form of patriarchy and other types of extreme hierarchal “complementarianism.”
(My most recent blog post on the blog above is about these forms of misogyny mascurading as religion.)
Are we looking at different things, for you to see misandry and me misogyny?
Hey Retha
I think that it is the flip side of the same coin. I wanted to point out that sexism is not a single sex characterisitic.
John Wilder
Hey Retha
Men love frilly lingerie of any color. It is like the decoration on a wedding cake. Men are visual creatures.
Sadly, I have to agree with you that the church is responsible for a whole lot of women’s ambivalence over sex.
From the time that she is a little girl, she is told that it is bad, dirty and wrong and that good girls don’t do it.
By the time a woman is ready to embrace her sexuality, she is often ruined for life by all the negative
conditioning. We have the highest divorce rate on the planet and a lot of that has to do with sex or the lack thereof.
In Europe, the views on sex are much more open and the divorce rate is much lower.
Blessings on you and yours
John Wilder
Hi Marriagecoach, this is a really thoughtfully written article on sexuality. I am not comfortable with my sexuality which has always been repressed by my mother and maternal grandmother. I am not allowed to interact in a sexual way with the opposite sex and as I live with my mother, this is enforceable by arguments and shouting. I love her to bits. But I have always wished to remove my sexuality as it’s just a cause of distress. It’s not appropriate for me to have a relationship with anybody or even consider having a family in the next decade. I’m nearly 30 and owe my mother everything due to her supporting me through a loss of career and the expense of re-training me, despite my father leaving her at the same time. I relate to “sexual anorexia” and can imagine that I’d follow an addictive cycle without a lot of care. I do not know how to start tackling my issues while living with mother. I do not know how to approach the subject with her either. She knows I have high testosterone levels and that’s related to high libido but she has no idea of the consequent difficulty this presents me. I cannot find a suitable mate to get her permission to “lose it” with either. The only guys I can get along with these days are in their mid-40s (which is fine for me, but not for my mother). The guys my own age are too demanding of my time and would probably consider me too damaged and weird anyway. I’m not really emotionally available either. Please help.
I know you asked for MarriageCoach, but I’ll give my two cents.
Sex is the most wonderful, beautiful, most natural thing on this planet. Religions have perverted that and made sex dirty. It’s unfortunate that you feel this way. I’m going to assume for one moment that you are a woman of faith? If not, I do apologize.
I ask that because women of faith, for many reasons I won’t get into here, feel ashamed of their bodies and sexuality. And speaking about it openly, well, that’s just taboo.
I ask that you forget about your mother and think about yourself for just a week. Throw your fears to the wind and just TALK with a guy. No expectations, you’re always in control. And remember, he’s feeling the same anxiety as you. Allow nature to take it’s course. Open up to yourself, and you will be free to explore this vast world and enjoy it. For your clock is ticking away. And you will soon expire.
I wish you all the best. And remember, your body is your temple. No one, including your mother or the man you met at the grocery, can tell you how to use.
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